BECAUSE...

...Earlier this week I caught myself making bedroom eyes at a pile of prosciutto.

BECAUSE...

...When I found out that Kate Middleton (aka one of my many spirit animals) is pregnant this was more or less my exact reaction:

[source]

[source]

[source]

BECAUSE...

When I read this, this was my reaction:

BECAUSE...

...I've finally gotten around to watching The Avengers and this has been me pretty much from minute one:


GIFSoup

BECAUSE...

Actual conversation I just had with my friend:

G: So you're coming out with me? Great.
See you soon

Me: Nooo
I have....plans....
Oh god how sad is it that I've been looking forward to making pizza all day


Sony DSC-HX200V 18.2MP Digital Camera with 30x Optical Zoom - Black - (Google Affiliate Ad)

BECAUSE...

...I JUST FOUND OUT THAT B.D. "BEEDS" WONG AND I HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY AND AM FREAKING OUT.

BECAUSE...

...Last night while perusing a local corner shop I thought, "Well, this is not the selection I was looking for."

...And then I giggled and said it again in my best Obi Wan voice.


GIFSoup

BECAUSE...

...Even though the sound on TNT isn't working right now, I still know exactly what is being said during Gladiator right now.

BECAUSE...

...I just happened upon a gigantic, empty and unsupervised cardboard box in my office and my first instinct was to crawl in it and make a fort.

BECAUSE...

...I will never enjoy anything as much as this dog enjoys trampolines.

BECAUSE...

Every time I finish a bottle wine I say to the part of my psyche that judges me:
 

DEAL WITH IT

GIFSoup

BECAUSE...

BECAUSE...

...It's been a while since I posted here. And not because I was busy doing cool things and meeting people, but because suddenly pizza became a priority.

BECAUSE...

...A friend of mine told me she had never seen an Indiana Jones movie I had the same reaction that Leslie Knope had when they told her the government was shutting down.

I’m sorry, what was that? there was really loud circus music in my head.

BECAUSE...

...I just made a pact with my sister that we'd buy each other's hypothetical future children (or "nerd babies", as we like to call them) lightsabers after watching this amazing video.

BECAUSE...

...This is exactly how I react to air conditioning now

BECAUSE...

...I just tried some fancypants Wildberry Lavender ice cream and all my taste buds could think was:

[source]

...Oh man. Yabba Dabba Doo-Orange was the bomb.

BECAUSE...

...Whenever I see my sister, she does this to my face

[source]

BECAUSE...

...I can't even begin to describe the self-satisfaction felt when I came up with "RELEASE THE SNACKEN" to caption this octopus-themed snack:

Garden Octopus from FamilyFun Magazine

...I then "called" The Snacken as my new nickname. Aggressively. As if people were trying to steal it.

BECAUSE...

...Of this:
me: you know what's hard?

eating soup with my left hand.... 

E:  why are you doing that?

me:  I feel like the Beast

 

 

[source]

 

BECAUSE...

...Last night I got hit full-on with a bag of garbage and my first reaction was "Oh, sorry!"

BECAUSE...

...The phrase "Butterfingers" could be a literal description of my life.

BECAUSE...

...When "What is Love" came on shuffle, I didn't skip it. In the year 2012.

BECAUSE...

...I just got so offended when Lionel Richie's timeless classic, "Hello" was not the first result on Spotify.

BECAUSE...

...While hanging out in a somewhat trendy bar, my friend made the mistake of including the phrase "two houses" while talking to me. I compulsively and excitedly began reciting the prologue to Romeo & Juliet and running around.

BECAUSE...

...When I saw Aladdin was on TV I announced to all of the no ones in my apartment, "Well I'm not gonna not watch it."

BECAUSE...

...the last person, place or thing I talked dirty to was air conditioning.

BECAUSE...

...I wept freely during Kristin Wiig's goodbye on SNL this weekend.

[source]

BECAUSE...

...This conversation occurred:

me: also, on SNL this weekend

there was a Lazy Sunday Part II in which Andy Samberg & Chris Parnell bring sweet vermouth in to a Sister Act show and claim to take "more shots in tha theater than John Wilkes Booth"

me: which has lead me to a braingasm in which we shall heretofore refer to bringing liquor in to movies as "Boothing", "J-Wilkesing", or "JWB-ing"

or some sort of that

E: i like "Boothing"

it has a nice ring to it

me: agreed

A Ladies Agreement!

E: HUZZAH

BECAUSE...

...I asked my coworker tonight in all seriousness: "What is a 'Julianne Hough?'"

BECAUSE...

...I just tried to have an empathetic, reasonable conversation with the mouse trying to get in to my apartment through my window screen. While tapping aggressively.

"I feel bad for you, little guy, but there is no way you're living here. You're a mouse. I'm a human. What would society say? Ew. Go away."

BECAUSE...

...I just actively searched out "Emotion" by Destiny's Child on the interwebs.

BECAUSE...

...I just came thisclose to making my status on Facebook say:

"Dear Food,

           Do you have any idea how delicious you are? 

Sincerely,

Your Biggest Fan"

BECAUSE...

...Last night when I saw an open seat at the bar I did this:




...The bartender then told me he definitely didn't need to see my I.D. because no one under the age of 21 would dream of doing that.

BECAUSE...

...I just tried to send a text to "Whiskey".

BECAUSE...

...This conversation just happened:

E:  have you been working out?
Me:  hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

BECAUSE...

...The highlight of my day has been finding one green chickpea in my microwaveable meal-for-one.

BECAUSE...

...When I met a dog named Pizza last night I excitedly proclaimed "THOSE ARE MY FAVORITE THINGS PUT TOGETHER!"

BECAUSE...

...I actually had a nice day today. To celebrate, I came home and watched this.


 


 ...Not even ashamed of it.

BECAUSE...

...One of my most recent Google searches was "How old is Zach Wahls and do you think he'd date me".

[source]

...Because he is foiiine.

BECAUSE...

...I am a college-educated, former English major working in the editorial world and I just struggled with the pronunciation of the word "poise".

BECAUSE...

...This is yet another gem of a text I sent:

"ACCORDING TO SPOONFORKBACON IF YOU CHANGE SIRI'S VOICE TO UK IT SOUNDS LIKE CARSON FROM DOWNTON LIVES IN YOUR IPHONE. I NOW NEED AN IPHONE. I DON'T REGRET CAPS."

BECAUSE...

...I'm going to have the theme song to this amazingly informative video stuck in my head for the rest of my life. ...Also, because I'm curious as to where Mr. Casamassa got his denim karate outfit. I think I need one?

BECAUSE...

...I get the classic Sade song "Smooth Operator" stuck in my head every time I look at the fan in my room, even though it's called the "Kool Operator".

BECAUSE...

..I just watched this from start to finish for no goddamn reason whatsoever.

BECAUSE...

...Because I just went on a ranty-rant about HBO's Girls.

BECAUSE...

...I feel like Ryan Reynold's character in Just Friends.


...Like...at this point in his life.

BECAUSE...

...I just checked my wallet to see if I had any cash. When I saw that I had $12 and some change, I immediately thought "Oh, tons," and breathed a sigh of relief. Without a trace of irony.

BECAUSE...

...I made the Sloth face when I realized that Benedict Cumberbatch & Martin Freeman, aka Sherlock & Dr. Watson, will be reuniting (sorta) in The Hobbit.

GIFSoup

BECAUSE...

...This is a text exchange my mother and I just had:

Me: NOOOO DICK CLARK DIED
Mom: This means no more new years
Me: We're going to be stuck in 2012 forever.
Me: THE MAYANS WERE RIGHT

BECAUSE...

...I would do this. Today. As a 24-year-old. Right down to the outfit and gleeful squeals.

BECAUSE...

...I actually thought the phrase, "Thank god it's Hump Day" first thing this morning.

[source]

BECAUSE...

I'm on Bloglovin'!


Follow my blog with Bloglovin

BECAUSE...

...I just made a joke about our air conditioner and how I need a tauntaun. In the workplace.


...And now I want this:

[source]

BECAUSE...

...I just searched the internet to see if Bill Hader has any brothers for me to marry.

...Specifically because I was hoping these moves were genetic.

BECAUSE...

...This is the song that plays in my head as I walk to work in SoHo amid a sea of models and fashion-types.

BECAUSE...

...I may or may not have written "things with which I may eat my feelings" on my grocery list.

BECAUSE...

...This is how I felt today.



GIFSoup

BECAUSE...

...I say things like "Nick Nolte - You, sir, are a conundrum."

BECAUSE...

...I tried to save a mouse in Madison Square Park this evening by putting a "protective house" of cardboard around him.

...To clarify: yes, there was alcohol involved and no, I didn't actually touch or save the mouse so much as I just dropped a bunch of things on him in an attempt to "help" him.

BECAUSE...

...I have a legitimate crush on Snackman.



...We just have so many shared interests - chips, snacking, architecture, riding the 6 train, fighting crime...

BECAUSE...

...This is an undoctored text that I sent my friend earlier this evening:

Me: I'm officially a million years old. I just shared exasperated disbelief re: some skank's outfit w an old lady on a bike.

BECAUSE...

...I'm very seriously considering being Post-Sex Ron Swanson for Halloween this year.

BECAUSE...

...I would describe the amount of jelly beans I've eaten today as "Reaganesque".

BECAUSE...

...This is what I look like trying to get out of any pool.

BECAUSE...

...I just had to use a calculator to add 66 + 66.

BECAUSE...

...my favorite sound in the world is the "pew pew pew" that happens when a contestant picks a Double Jeopardy answer.

BECAUSE...

...while watching the Sex & The City episode wherein Miranda goes on a sex strike and discovers the "perfect relationship", consisting of chocolate eclairs and Jon Stewart, I experienced pangs of jealousy.

BECAUSE...

...after reading about the vanilla shortage, I worriedly said to my friend, "I hope Ina has her 'really good vanilla' stockpiled somewhere safe in case of a vanilla-fueled Mad Max scenario."

[source]

BECAUSE...

...I just proposed opening a diner with my friend so that we could offer a dish called "The Code Red".

Why, you ask?

So we could ask people who get it, "DID YOU ORDER THE CODE RED?!"

BECAUSE...

...the last thing I've taken to bed has been an entire pizza.

BECAUSE...

...I am this little girl. In every way.

[source]

BECAUSE...

...I actually and seriously react this way on the rare occasion that someone pays me a compliment.

BECAUSE...

...I'm inexplicably fascinated by pregnant Jessica Simpson. It's...so...mesmerizing. She has a linebacker in there.

BECAUSE...

...I say things like "Gin and I are in a loving, committed relationship."

BECAUSE...

...Because my friends say things like "Oh don't worry, I didn't notice - I was yarn shopping."

BECAUSE...

...when I read that Martha Stewart will be appearing as a private school headmistress on Law & Order: SVU (who runs a secret sex ring/murder club?), I reacted thusly:


GIFSoup

BECAUSE...

...I did the Tom Haverford "Nooooo!" after reading this headline and thought: "Not my friend, Bacon!"

BECAUSE...

...Something tells me if my roommate had a dollar for every time he's heard me quietly and incredulously yell "Oh, snap!" at the TV, he'd have enough money to live on his own.

BECAUSE...

...I just spent my night eating 1/4th-baked brownies, fake-crying (i.e. would-be-actually-crying-if-I-wasn't-dead-inside) over a fictional television relationship, and boiling my silverware (don't ask.).

BECAUSE...

...I occasionally make up theme songs for dogs I see on the street.

BECAUSE...

...I feel a deep, spiritual connection with this guy for many reasons. Namely, that his name is Wheezy and he's described as being "very food motivated".

BECAUSE...

...I just realized that I know every word to Alabama's "I Believe There Are Angels Among Us"

BECAUSE...

...I just Kevin McCallistered myself after seeing that Vulture put the only shows I actually care deeply about up against each other in their Best TV Drama of The Last 25 Years Bracket. LOST vs. Mad Men?! Breaking Bad vs. Friday Night Lights?! How is a girl to CHOOSE?

BECAUSE...

...I just tried to high-five my computer at work.

BECAUSE...

...I'm Goose in my own imagination...

BECAUSE...

...this is a text exchange happening between my friend (visiting friends in Alabama) and I right now:

E: There are 7 aviators, me, and Gretchen* in a kitchen drinking heavily and listening to Disney music

Me: Calgon take me away

E: Haha this is a dream come true

Me: I'm your long distance Goose, Maverick. "Do some of that pilot shit!!!"

E: Oh and we're listening to Danger Zone

Me: I swear on all that is holy that if you don't say "take me to bed or lose me forever" tonight I will disown you. DISOWN!

E: hahaha

E: Someone just took his shirt off.

Me: Listen to me.

Me: This is important.

Me: Are there jean cutoff shorts?

Me: Are there?

Me: Has anyone spoken of volleyball?

*Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent

BECAUSE...

...there is an empty Girl Scout cookie wrapper in my bathroom trash can.

BECAUSE...

...my roommate just came home to witness me violently scrubbing the stove down and muttering about Carlo Rizzi.

BECAUSE...

...Saturday night I fell asleep listening to the Brandy Cinderella soundtrack.

...and woke up to 37 missed calls from my roommate who I locked out of the apartment. Sorry, buddy.

BECAUSE...

...This is an actual conversation between my friend and I while watching The Oscars:

"Julie. Why do you have the Wikipedia page for great white sharks open?"

"Oh, um yeah well Jaws was on earlier. Soo.....I like learning!"

BECAUSE...

The Oscars are my Superbowl and I know all the dress stats.

BECAUSE...

...I just caught myself singing (humming?) the theme song to The Good, The Bad and Ugly while watching Law & Order: SVU.

BECAUSE...

...I'm listening to opera at work.

BECAUSE...

...This is the story of my life. Except that I have a roommate who just thinks I'm the weirdest because I like to wear gigantic t-shirts and bake lots of bread.

BECAUSE...

...Fanny Ferrars Dashwood is the closest I've come to calling another lady the c-word.

BECAUSE...

...while visiting at home, my mother stopped the car, turned around and made me pick up a "free" trash bag that we passed on the street.

BECAUSE...

...Someone somewhere searched the internet for "night habit to drink wine" and was brought to this site.

BECAUSE...

...I just described myself as "badger-faced".

BECAUSE...

...I just listened to Celine Dion's classic, "All By Myself" on repeat the night before Valentine's Day.

BECAUSE...

...If I had a dollar for every time I've had to say "I beg of you not to judge me right now" to my roommate in regards to what/how/when I'm eating, I'd be able to afford to live on my own.

BECAUSE...

...I just posted about pants twice in as many minutes.

....Well, now it's three times, I guess.

BECAUSE...

...the first thing I do when I get home is take off my pants.

...and because I secretly refer to pants as "Leg Prisons".

BECAUSE...

...Instead of taking my pants off like a regular human being, I just collapsed on my bed and flailed my legs around until they came off.

BECAUSE...

...I just made myself a gin smoothie.

BECAUSE...

...When someone buys me a drink and asks for my name, I tell them that it's Ginger because my parents were big Gilligan's Island fans.

BECAUSE...

...I just schooled my coworkers on the definition and origin of the word "provincial".


...with the help of Beauty and The Beast, of course.

BECAUSE...

...Because when I was watching Jeopardy this evening, I got EXTREMELY excited when the video question featured this little guy. I need one.

BECAUSE...

...All I want is for someone to buy these for me as a romantic gesture.

BECAUSE...

..."Tomorrow" from Annie came up on my shuffle. I side-eyed around the room and turned that shit up to eleven.

BECAUSE...

...My reaction to this article was "da doii".

BECAUSE...

...Today I said to my friend "DIAMOND JUBILEE BITCHES!"

BECAUSE...

...I've revised the title for my hypothetical autobiography to: "Sweaty Already".

BECAUSE...

...I had a walk of shame this morning without actually having done anything to be ashamed of.

...Except for maybe sleeping on my friend's floor all night.

BECAUSE...

...I've made more Of Mice and Men references in the past 48 hours than I probably did when I was actually reading the book.

BECAUSE...

...I decided to sponsor a little girl in Colombia because the boy on the street said nice things to me and was cute.


...And, you know, 'cause I'm a good person and whatever.

BECAUSE...

...I'm developing homeless-person tendencies. Namely, stealing sugar packets from cafes in which I did not purchase anything.

BECAUSE...

...I kind of get where she's coming from, emotionally.

BECAUSE...

...Because when a copy of What I Hate From A to Z by Roz Chast was mailed to our office, my coworkers immediately sent it my way saying "I think this will be right up your alley!"

BECAUSE...

...The last time I went for a run was when I realized I had left my six pack of beer at the pizza place.

BECAUSE...

...This is the face I made when I realized Richard Ayoade, aka Moss from The IT Crowd will be coming to American movie audiences in Neighborhood Watch.

BECAUSE...

...I get texts like this from my friends:

"Sometimes I forget how progressive Dirty Dancing was"

BECAUSE...

...I spend my Saturday nights turning my bathtub in to a washing machine.

BECAUSE...

...My greatest accomplishment of today was that I drew an octopus.

...I briefly toyed with giving him drumsticks and naming him The Rocktopus.

BECAUSE...

...I just did a little dance because AMC is hosting a Crazy About Swayze Day tomorrow.

...Crazy About Segal is tonight.

BECAUSE...

...this is a conversation I had with my best friend, in reference to my other self-effacing blog:

Elizabeth: i wish you would post more often

it makes me happy

me: hahaha sorryy

i always just struggle with what to post

Elizabeth: well other bloggers just post about their lives

me: hahaha i know but i have nothing going on in my life

i cant write a post about how I made falafel and watched jeopardy and then ate cookie dough by myself last night

BECAUSE...

...The most recent people to hit on me have been homeless. Or my plumber.

BECAUSE...

...I refer to the guys from my past as "That Creepy Forty-Year-Old From New Jersey", or "The Mean Rocket Scientist From Italy", or "That Aggressive Texter Whose Car I Hit On Our First Date".

BECAUSE...

...I just got super excited that Rock-a-Doodle is available on Netflix.

...Also because I remember Rock-a-Doodle.

BECAUSE...

...I'm switching between Sex and The City and The Terminator on my television right now. And loving every minute of it.

BECAUSE...

...I have actual opinions about this article. Very strong, conviction-like opinions.

BECAUSE...

...I refer to iconic actor B.D. Wong as "Beeds".

BECAUSE...

...When I sat down on my couch and realized I'd left the remote in a different part of my apartment...this is the reaction I had:

...Also, because I make a lot of Star Wars references.

BECAUSE...

...When a friend asked for help designing the cover of her school's spelling bee programs - I suggested Tori Spelling dressed up like a bee.


...Oh how I laughed!

BECAUSE...

...All of the working titles for my hypothetical autobiographies are based around my love of breadstuffs.

BECAUSE...

...I have crushes on significantly deceased dudes.

BECAUSE...

...I come home at 3 a.m. and listen to Boyz II Men (specifically, "It's So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday").

BECAUSE...

...I just received a personalized email of recipes that included a drink recipe called "The Hermione Granger".

BECAUSE...

...I've seen The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen more than once.



...Also, I immediately repeat all of Sean Connery's lines in my excellent (read: incomprehensible) Sean Connery impression.

BECAUSE...

...It's becoming a (disturbing? awesome? awesome.) Friday night habit to drink wine and watch children's movies (i.e. Pinot Noir & Annie, Malbec blends & Muppet Treasure Island).

BECAUSE...

...I get legitimately excited for Jeopardy.

BECAUSE...

...While looking through my television channels I say things like "Oooooooooh Gaslight, yo!"

BECAUSE...

...I once owned a fish named Phineas Q. Waterbottom, III.

BECAUSE...

...the guy in the plaid stole my sweet dance moves

BECAUSE...

...my first reaction to a loud burp (my own or others') is the kind of suppressed giggle-fit that I usually reserve for the word "duty".

BECAUSE...

...I watched a show called BeastMaster as a child

.....it's...exactly what it sounds like.

BECAUSE...

...I relate a little too much to this:

(also this:)