BECAUSE...

...I am this little girl. In every way.

[source]

BECAUSE...

...I actually and seriously react this way on the rare occasion that someone pays me a compliment.

BECAUSE...

...I'm inexplicably fascinated by pregnant Jessica Simpson. It's...so...mesmerizing. She has a linebacker in there.

BECAUSE...

...I say things like "Gin and I are in a loving, committed relationship."

BECAUSE...

...Because my friends say things like "Oh don't worry, I didn't notice - I was yarn shopping."

BECAUSE...

...when I read that Martha Stewart will be appearing as a private school headmistress on Law & Order: SVU (who runs a secret sex ring/murder club?), I reacted thusly:


GIFSoup

BECAUSE...

...I did the Tom Haverford "Nooooo!" after reading this headline and thought: "Not my friend, Bacon!"

BECAUSE...

...Something tells me if my roommate had a dollar for every time he's heard me quietly and incredulously yell "Oh, snap!" at the TV, he'd have enough money to live on his own.

BECAUSE...

...I just spent my night eating 1/4th-baked brownies, fake-crying (i.e. would-be-actually-crying-if-I-wasn't-dead-inside) over a fictional television relationship, and boiling my silverware (don't ask.).

BECAUSE...

...I occasionally make up theme songs for dogs I see on the street.

BECAUSE...

...I feel a deep, spiritual connection with this guy for many reasons. Namely, that his name is Wheezy and he's described as being "very food motivated".

BECAUSE...

...I just realized that I know every word to Alabama's "I Believe There Are Angels Among Us"

BECAUSE...

...I just Kevin McCallistered myself after seeing that Vulture put the only shows I actually care deeply about up against each other in their Best TV Drama of The Last 25 Years Bracket. LOST vs. Mad Men?! Breaking Bad vs. Friday Night Lights?! How is a girl to CHOOSE?

BECAUSE...

...I just tried to high-five my computer at work.

BECAUSE...

...I'm Goose in my own imagination...

BECAUSE...

...this is a text exchange happening between my friend (visiting friends in Alabama) and I right now:

E: There are 7 aviators, me, and Gretchen* in a kitchen drinking heavily and listening to Disney music

Me: Calgon take me away

E: Haha this is a dream come true

Me: I'm your long distance Goose, Maverick. "Do some of that pilot shit!!!"

E: Oh and we're listening to Danger Zone

Me: I swear on all that is holy that if you don't say "take me to bed or lose me forever" tonight I will disown you. DISOWN!

E: hahaha

E: Someone just took his shirt off.

Me: Listen to me.

Me: This is important.

Me: Are there jean cutoff shorts?

Me: Are there?

Me: Has anyone spoken of volleyball?

*Only the names have been changed to protect the innocent

BECAUSE...

...there is an empty Girl Scout cookie wrapper in my bathroom trash can.